I can feel the heat behind my eyes get worse, as my tears start to blur the trees and bushes, creating one slow, moving mix of colors as we drive away from the people I love the most.
As if all of them standing outside, waving goodbye will make the blur dissappear. I try to blink away my tears to get a few last looks at the beautiful, but rainy scenery that usually comforts me. Only now it fills me with more despair and empty space than what was there before. I am going back now, and every vague image i manage to pull up of the people i love, their faces as i pull away early from a hug, their aknowledgments of the pain in my face, just turns the heat behind my eyes to a blistering fire. I cringe from the feeling in my chest, like four cinder blocks were launched at my chest at the exact same time that my heart tries to escape my body, hoping to get away from the painful emotioins recieved from my brain.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I....
I loved him,
Lost him,
And now i will never have him.
Because he, and he alone,
single handidly,
tore apart my heart,
piece by piece,
leaving a big gaping hole in my chest,
and every time i see his face or hear his name,
He, without even knowing it, drops acid on the edges of that gaping hole that he created,
And every time i hear his voice,
the edges of this open hole recieve a searing pain that aches enough to lift me to my feet,
To somehow look for reasurance,
That i still have a chance,
and that i can move on without a thought of him in my mind ever again.
Lost him,
And now i will never have him.
Because he, and he alone,
single handidly,
tore apart my heart,
piece by piece,
leaving a big gaping hole in my chest,
and every time i see his face or hear his name,
He, without even knowing it, drops acid on the edges of that gaping hole that he created,
And every time i hear his voice,
the edges of this open hole recieve a searing pain that aches enough to lift me to my feet,
To somehow look for reasurance,
That i still have a chance,
and that i can move on without a thought of him in my mind ever again.
Such a person....
I feel as though myself is not good enough.I am infatuated by a man that does not seem to exist other than through the heavy pages of a book and the images of a movie.I feel like i want to show who i am, to not only write my passion and deep feelings for things, but to show those feelings in my personality. The sexiness of someone who shows that type of feeling is both luring and irresistible. If i were ever to come across such a person, they would become my biggest weakness. I would not be able to keep myself from their presence. And as our time together would grow, i would find myself needing more and more strength to stay away from this person. And in the end they would have my whole heart. Maybe it is a good thing that i have not met a person like this yet. But the more i read and watch him speak and move, the more drawn i become to him. To be completely ready and have no access.
Monday, February 2, 2009
To walk a marathon. A very extreme goal that requires extreme dedication and physical fitness. Not only will the length and obstacles of a marathon take a toll on your body, but also on your mind. The endurance of your muscles, heart, and mind are all things to get pumped up to their full potential before taking on an actual marathon.
Yes indeed, tomorrow i will become one of the Organic smoothie for breakfast eaters, the cup of yogurt for lunch eater, the oh so cheerful salad for dinner eater, and the apple and bannana in between. I will also become very good friends with my exercise equipment and tennis shoes. I will become a work-out-aholic and never eat sweets, except that one chocolate bar or small spoon of frosting once a month.
Yes, yes, i will do all of this the healthy way. Healthy body and mind = Almost painless marathon journey. But I would do all of this, not just to benefit me and loosen the grip on my ever so slightly shrinking pants, but to benefit others. The marathon that I am walking is the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. No, i do not have breast cancer. I am too young. But there are people in my family who have had it and who are suffering from it right now. While i am becoming physically fit, i have to raise money to participate in the walk. $1,800 worth of money to be raised. Yeaaahh. That makes sense though, we bring along $1,800 to give to the people who run this thing before we walk, and in return we get to sweat for 2 days and 39 miles. Oh sweet, sweet victory ladys and gents! What sweet victory. Then we will all hope and pray that while we are walking, scientists come up with a cure for every type of cancer on the planet!! Yay smart scientists!!!
I am a pretty athletic young person. But i am not the healthiest person you will meet. Because of my wonderful youth, somewhat unhealthy food will not effect me the way it would effect a 30 or 60 year old person. But i still need to whip myself in to perfect shape. But all of that unhealthy-ness will change tomorrow. Yes, yes indeed. Because tomorrow my training begins, and once i become as healthy as i can be right now, i will stay that way. Those ever so slightly shrinking pants, will be baggy on me when i get back from being in that marathon.
Yes indeed, tomorrow i will become one of the Organic smoothie for breakfast eaters, the cup of yogurt for lunch eater, the oh so cheerful salad for dinner eater, and the apple and bannana in between. I will also become very good friends with my exercise equipment and tennis shoes. I will become a work-out-aholic and never eat sweets, except that one chocolate bar or small spoon of frosting once a month.
Yes, yes, i will do all of this the healthy way. Healthy body and mind = Almost painless marathon journey. But I would do all of this, not just to benefit me and loosen the grip on my ever so slightly shrinking pants, but to benefit others. The marathon that I am walking is the Avon Breast Cancer Walk. No, i do not have breast cancer. I am too young. But there are people in my family who have had it and who are suffering from it right now. While i am becoming physically fit, i have to raise money to participate in the walk. $1,800 worth of money to be raised. Yeaaahh. That makes sense though, we bring along $1,800 to give to the people who run this thing before we walk, and in return we get to sweat for 2 days and 39 miles. Oh sweet, sweet victory ladys and gents! What sweet victory. Then we will all hope and pray that while we are walking, scientists come up with a cure for every type of cancer on the planet!! Yay smart scientists!!!
I am a pretty athletic young person. But i am not the healthiest person you will meet. Because of my wonderful youth, somewhat unhealthy food will not effect me the way it would effect a 30 or 60 year old person. But i still need to whip myself in to perfect shape. But all of that unhealthy-ness will change tomorrow. Yes, yes indeed. Because tomorrow my training begins, and once i become as healthy as i can be right now, i will stay that way. Those ever so slightly shrinking pants, will be baggy on me when i get back from being in that marathon.
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